Living beyond belief: understanding the stories that don’t belong to you.
What’s your story ? What shapes your decisions ? Are they all your thoughts and beliefs ? or, Did you learn them from others along the way ? Importantly , do you know which thoughts belong to you and which thoughts were bestowed upon you by the people who most influenced your life and your thoughts early?
2020 has been a challenging year, particularly as a small business owner in Melbourne, under one of the world's most stringent lockdowns. It has been cause to dig deep emotionally and ponder the very real possibilities of epic economic ruin that is mostly out of my control. This level of uncertainty and lack of control has been incredibly stressful, exhausting and a challenge of which I personally have never encountered before. (and I am a long way from alone here). Seriously, I have imagined myself laying in the fetal position under the Christmas Tree many a time, and the thought is actually quite soothing.
Because of this my “old stories” have come up loud for me, sometimes it feels like they are sitting on my right shoulder, yelling in my ear about what all of this could and might mean.
I grew up in a relatively privileged environment, but one with a little twist. A private school student, from an overly generous family, I wanted for nothing as a kid. Yet, where I went to school, struggle was all around us, some of us literally running to our homes after school after the threats of having the “shit beaten out of us” for being those “pussies with the blazers and ties”. Struggle was real, opportunity was believed scarce, people were tough, bruised and they were battlers, many of whom resented achievement and ridiculed those of us that strived for it because apparently we were “up ourselves”.
As a kid who was thoroughly engaged in sport the single worst thing that could happen to you is if you made the local paper for an achievement - because the shit storm that followed was horrific - almost enough incentive to stop trying. I was a particularly sensitive kid, so this bothered the crap out of me, particularly in high school, where unfortunately the accolades and the ensuing verbal abuse came thick and fast. Sometimes when I hit the paper, I used to pretend to be sick and try to get out of going to school, because I just couldn't face the barrage of bullshit.
This mindset, the one that I was surrounded by, brought some core beliefs and stories that to this day I detest, and yet they live in me, particularly when I am under stress.
They are:
“You can't trust any bastard - no ones got your back”
“Life is hard, so buckle up buttercup”
“You work your arse off and take what you can get, because that's all there is”
“You put up with shit behaviour and bullying if it means surviving”
“You're not all that. Who do you think you are, mate?”
This year, I feel I have been the bravest ever in my life, I have faced into an enormous challenge, believed in myself and took this baby on with every bit of effort, passion and purpose I could muster. I am utterly exhausted, still not certain whether I have won or lost, the scoreboard takes way too long to tick over in a pandemic, and the constant stress is a back breaking burden.
This year I have heard all of that past talk from my formative years, the imposition of imposter syndrome, the noise of negativity and self doubt and I’ve had to work my arse off to re-centre and audit the noises in my mind. The incessant calls of : “you're not good enough” , a mindset I have worked so very hard to omit from my psyche this past 7 years has come back to haunt me, time and time again.
“G’day dickhead, now hop off that fucking unicorn you are sitting on and get real mate, you’re not all that”
To these constant calls from my own neural network of nightmares, files I wish I could delete forever, I have had to stand firm in my resolve and say “You know what, you deadshit bogan, I am all this, so piss off, you don't belong here anymore”
This is what I’d like to share here; These voices in our head, these thoughts that do not serve us, are very often not ours. We didn't create them , they are not for us, but instead have crept into the bloodstream of our brains like the viral infections they are.
What has helped me is a constant reconciliation of ownership. Where is that thought from? Is that really my thinking or an echo of my past environment? Do I really believe this or was I just told to?
To make a difference, a difference to ourselves and our lives, we must change our minds and align them to the thinking that will serve us, drive us and support us in achieving what we desire.
We must place ourselves in the driver's seat of our thinking, understand when shadows of the past put us into autopilot and send us careering off the road we have chosen for ourselves.
I share this because it's real for me, it's what happens for me, and I have fought this hard to continue to be a stand for myself, everyday. I also believe that I am very unlikely to be alone with this challenge.
Many of us are infected by our past, our relationships, experiences and environments and it's super important we don't claim thinking for ourselves that no longer belongs to us and probably never did. It's critical that we stand up for us now and sever any ties to thinking that doesn't serve us and in fact was never ours to begin with.
“We are not our feelings. We are not our moods. We are not even our thoughts. The very fact that we can think about these things separates us from them and from the animal world. Self-awareness enables us to stand apart and examine even the way we “see” ourselves—our self-paradigm, the most fundamental paradigm of effectiveness. It affects not only our attitudes and behaviors, but also how we see other people.”
― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change
I hope that this is helpful. Much Love, Scott.
