The Curiosity of Connection

Ok, so a heads up for you. This is about relating to others, loving ourselves deeply enough to allow the love of another. If you've nailed that, well done, I am extremely happy for you. If you haven’t, do read on.

Good old connection, human connection.

It is the birthplace of our long-held pains and yet it is the destination for our healing. Now that's confusing.

It is in those moments of human interaction we seek desire, love, acceptance, belonging and being seen and admired for who we are.

Many of our fears, anxieties and insecurities happened with us in this very same place, in connection, in these moments of wanting or needing something from others that wasn’t given, was denied or even taken away from us.

The result, often a deep and buried pain that affects the next connection and the next one and how we show up, with more caution and trepidation and less of our abundant selves, just in case we get hurt again.

It makes sense, but it does us and our hearts so much damage, causes so much regret and sorrow and most of all entraps us in the unnatural state of “alone”, isolated from our own needs, a place never intended for us or our hearts.

It's understandable, that we remember going into that fire and it hurt and it often still does for years or decades until we find the desire and courage to allow the fire into our hearts again. The truth of which is harrowing for many, including me over the years.

I couldn’t figure a way to show up wholeheartedly, still nursing the breaks and cracks in my heart and placing many shields atop my chest to ensure no one could really get in.

For me this caused loneliness I couldn’t live with and something had to give. For me, there was so much damage and so many shields that the sweat and effort to remove them was a lengthy and strenuous process in itself.

But here is what I know, so far. We don’t go to that effort without motivation, and that motivation is often found in the same fire of connection that our pain was birthed in, an opportunity of connection or even reconnection with another.

For me, this process was difficult and it required determination and resignation for a life that wasn’t worth leading like I was. A life that had to change, had to be different and had to be full of love and not feeble gestures of connection I was not truly present for, most of me tucked away behind those shields.

So why is it that this fire of connection also heals?

It is in the throws of genuinely intentional connection that the pains reemerge.

It is in the desire of another, or love to whatever extent, that these fears and anxieties get loud again, there to drag you into the past, calling you to flee the present moment, reminding you of how much it hurt last time.

Yet, it is in this fire that we can heal. I believe our souls know this and our minds lose track or try and escape this reality, why? because it's hard work.

There are many who live in avoidance and hiding, away from the natural instincts we have for love, away from the harm of the flames. Pain etched so firmly in our minds it freezes us and holds us in time, a time that has passed and yet a pain that is still so loudly present.

When we know this, when we know ourselves in a way that we can acknowledge our reflexes, we can observe them and we can correct them we can begin an authentic connection. Believe me, it's often a stumble, not a waltz, but with intention and some courage we can heal ourselves and our hearts to a place of giving again.

This awareness or the need for it often doesn’t present itself until the experience of desired connection reappears, but the awareness is so very critical to that connection being what we truly want it to be for us and for us showing up as we are genuinely capable.

It is how we show up for ourselves, which means owning our own shit and baggage and claiming it at the carousel of connection. It is this awareness, that opens the door to the possibilities of our hearts.

This is reinforced by desire, a wanting, this is the home of determination to own our shit and work on it, in connection. Not to hate ourselves for it, just to understand why it's there, where it's from and that it only exists in our minds and memories and that it is not necessarily here in this very moment of the present.

Desire is the fuel that makes us lean into that terrifying discomfort of this fire once more.

Next, we need to bring curiosity, we need to be open to history not repeating, open to something very different, open to others experiences and possibilities, open to the fact that what we are looking for, we often have never experienced.

So very often we are looking for something we don’t fully comprehend and we need curiosity, lots of it, to continue to acknowledge the loss of our bearings. As a side note, if we find ourselves wanting something we had before (I’ve been there), you are in the wrong place, so “wrong way go back”.

With the fullness of curiosity, we can then make determinations of how we must be. This is where trust comes in, in ourselves and the process mostly, in those things we can control, like how we show up. We must also let go of any notion of controlling how others show up for us, we can just ask for what we want, and we must.

It's fundamental, that we knowingly ask for what we want and need, without shame or embarrassment and fairly in the expectation that it will be granted and that you are prepared to show up for them like this too. I could say "hold that space", but only to my girlfriends, for you blokes reading this, of course, I never say that. (ha ha)

This is the bravery of love and honest account in love, we have to acknowledge and own our old pains and importantly know that these are not our fault. We have to have the desire to lean in, into those flames, the ones that hurt us so very much.

We must remain in open curiosity for this place we find ourselves in, a place so foreign and we must stop and appreciate all of what is good in its essence, like a small child at a zoo, we must stop and stare, celebrating difference, to take in the beauty and rawness of its nature.

Then we must stand in our truth, in our needs and ask for the care and love we need to step into that fire again and ask for help where we need it. We must also be prepared to offer the same help and encourage the other to ask for what they truly want and need.

On this, know that anyone not prepared to give it isn’t a person worth going into the fire with. You deserve to be cared for, held, listened to and understood and you owe it to yourself and another to know what is real and now and what was then and there.

This is what I know, so far, of connection. This is what I know, so far, of what there is to do. To walk ourselves gently and lovingly through the scolding ruins of our past and ask for care, for a hand to hold on the way to something and someplace wondrous.

It is frightening at times, it is difficult, but on the other side of this fear, is a healing, a beautiful healing of our formerly broken hearts and as those pieces come back together, there is a deeply lived joy to experience.

So I say lean in and yet be very choosy about who with. They must be someone who can show up this same way, with the bravery and honesty I've described here.

But if they are capable, and only if they are, do lean in, I promise you its worth it.

Go well

Scott x