You are never too....... you

Whilst I believe in the notions of possibility like “you’re never too old”, “you're never too young”, and “it’s never too late” as useful reminders that we can be the drivers of our own experiences and opportunities, it's not what I am going to talk about.

What I am going to talk about is appreciating the uniqueness of people, their inherent good nature, determination, desire for love and belonging and most importantly appreciating the uniqueness of you.

You will likely hear me talk a lot about curiosity, what it means to be truly curious, what it looks like to park our own life experiences and frames of reference, to just sit and be curious, particularly of other people and especially about ourselves.

I believe that a lack of curiosity is completely stifling our human experiences and increasingly through social and mainstream media we get images and personas of what we “need to be like” in this world.

If we look at our younger generations today, so heavily influenced by these well laid expectations we will see a generation that whilst declaring their independent brilliance from the “less able” generations before them, are more homogeneous in their style, personal expression and behaviours than any generation before them. These expectations are increasingly forming the vacuumous removal of our souls. Taking away our individuality, increasing shame and self loathing and creating a baseplate of being truly alone and disconnected.

Many would argue that these generations have less judgement as a comparison to previous generations particularly in light of sexuality, gender identification and such things, but really they are more tightly fused together by the overwhelming expectations laid out before them. It has never been so incredibly unacceptable to not be seen to be accepting and yet, these generations are presenting a discomfort with self we have never really seen and heard before. I would also point out that one of the drivers here is the common expectation of being heard and understood, of having a voice. I’m certainly not suggesting that any of us older folk were any happier or more comfortable with ourselves.

All of this and yet, the type of bullying, isolation, ridicule and ultimately the level of mental health and suicide issues appear to escalate each year.

Confusing right ? In a time that we are so outwardly accepting, that we are expected to accept everyone but ourselves it seems.

In my life there have been plenty of experiences, decisions and choices, predominantly subconsciously driven, that have caused me to feel shame, regret and fierce judgement of myself, my flaws and failings. The double edge sword of self judgement whilst providing determinations for change also drives a highly unhealthy level of self criticism and poor self talk..

This has taken me a long time to learn, and a lot of reflection and it's something I would like to continue to share with you as I get better at figuring it out. I've always been hard on myself, always had a lot of judgement for myself. Whether that be being overweight as a young child, not as good at sport or school as I expected to be, or not as comfortable in relationships or meeting people as many did think. 

To some extent, this lack of self acceptance led me to a long journey of introspection and healing, but it began with plenty of “there's something wrong with me” and it's ending with “I love who I am, I forgive and understand the choices I have made, and I want to be a better human in this world by showing up more for myself, every day.”

Acceptance, love and connection begins with us. We have to lovingly accept the decisions we have made, the mistakes we have made and understand with compassion that at that time these may have been fuelled almost completely by past experiences and most definitely by a subconscious that is vigilant in its efforts to protect us from pain.

This vigilance however , oftentimes can keep us from ourselves, keep us from behaving in ways that are truly congruent with our hearts, all in the subconscious effort to keep us from harm.

Of course none of this is planned , but what we need to recognise is that what keeps us from harm, can keep us from love, what keeps us from danger, keeps us from opportunity, and what keeps us safe, can keep us at distance from our true selves, our authentic being, and the abundance of our souls.

It's taken me years to hack through this and appreciate that loving curiosity for ourselves is the pathway to truly accepting and loving ourselves. I've made plenty of mistakes, but I understand why I did and largely I understand that it was the best I knew how to do. It wasn't because I was a bad person, it was because I was afraid of being enough.

I am grateful, in some ways, that I was surrounded by enough gas lighting and lack of acceptance of me from others that the level of doubt was enough to kick off a determination for change. I was too sensitive, too emotional, too controlling, too assertive, too soft, too hard, too much. Where I have ended up, is in loving curiosity for myself, and what I now expect from others now, is nothing less.

All of this came up as I explored some differences with a friend the other night. I was not ashamed of my experiences, I was expecting to be heard and seen and I was happy to be vulnerable about my “weirdness” or as they so lovingly put it my uniqueness. This was a rare and beautiful exchange of appreciating differences, not expecting each other to adapt , but just expecting there to be curiosity and kindness for ourselves and toward each other.

Whilst this is a beautiful experience, as I reflect on it, I realised that I made it possible. I made it possible to bare my truth, fear, and do so in a way where I didn’t feel shame, in fact I expected acceptance, and I got it. 

I am making this more and more possible each day, I am bringing this light into my world, and I am doing it by learning to love myself more and more with an abundance of curiosity and kindness for myself. Something now I am being blessed with by others, because I have allowed it. This I thought was worth sharing, and it's worth remembering, that with loving curiosity and kind awareness, that you are never, too…. you.

Much Love

Scotty M

#menshealthweek