You are never too....... you

Whilst I believe in the notions of possibility like “you’re never too old”, “you're never too young”, and “it’s never too late” as useful reminders that we can be the drivers of our own experiences and opportunities, it's not what I am going to talk about.

What I am going to talk about is appreciating the uniqueness of people, their inherent good nature, determination, desire for love and belonging and most importantly appreciating the uniqueness of you.

You will likely hear me talk a lot about curiosity, what it means to be truly curious, what it looks like to park our own life experiences and frames of reference, to just sit and be curious, particularly of other people and especially about ourselves.

I believe that a lack of curiosity is completely stifling our human experiences and increasingly through social and mainstream media we get images and personas of what we “need to be like” in this world.

If we look at our younger generations today, so heavily influenced by these well laid expectations we will see a generation that whilst declaring their independent brilliance from the “less able” generations before them, are more homogeneous in their style, personal expression and behaviours than any generation before them. These expectations are increasingly forming the vacuumous removal of our souls. Taking away our individuality, increasing shame and self loathing and creating a baseplate of being truly alone and disconnected.

Many would argue that these generations have less judgement as a comparison to previous generations particularly in light of sexuality, gender identification and such things, but really they are more tightly fused together by the overwhelming expectations laid out before them. It has never been so incredibly unacceptable to not be seen to be accepting and yet, these generations are presenting a discomfort with self we have never really seen and heard before. I would also point out that one of the drivers here is the common expectation of being heard and understood, of having a voice. I’m certainly not suggesting that any of us older folk were any happier or more comfortable with ourselves.

All of this and yet, the type of bullying, isolation, ridicule and ultimately the level of mental health and suicide issues appear to escalate each year.

Confusing right ? In a time that we are so outwardly accepting, that we are expected to accept everyone but ourselves it seems.

In my life there have been plenty of experiences, decisions and choices, predominantly subconsciously driven, that have caused me to feel shame, regret and fierce judgement of myself, my flaws and failings. The double edge sword of self judgement whilst providing determinations for change also drives a highly unhealthy level of self criticism and poor self talk..

This has taken me a long time to learn, and a lot of reflection and it's something I would like to continue to share with you as I get better at figuring it out. I've always been hard on myself, always had a lot of judgement for myself. Whether that be being overweight as a young child, not as good at sport or school as I expected to be, or not as comfortable in relationships or meeting people as many did think. 

To some extent, this lack of self acceptance led me to a long journey of introspection and healing, but it began with plenty of “there's something wrong with me” and it's ending with “I love who I am, I forgive and understand the choices I have made, and I want to be a better human in this world by showing up more for myself, every day.”

Acceptance, love and connection begins with us. We have to lovingly accept the decisions we have made, the mistakes we have made and understand with compassion that at that time these may have been fuelled almost completely by past experiences and most definitely by a subconscious that is vigilant in its efforts to protect us from pain.

This vigilance however , oftentimes can keep us from ourselves, keep us from behaving in ways that are truly congruent with our hearts, all in the subconscious effort to keep us from harm.

Of course none of this is planned , but what we need to recognise is that what keeps us from harm, can keep us from love, what keeps us from danger, keeps us from opportunity, and what keeps us safe, can keep us at distance from our true selves, our authentic being, and the abundance of our souls.

It's taken me years to hack through this and appreciate that loving curiosity for ourselves is the pathway to truly accepting and loving ourselves. I've made plenty of mistakes, but I understand why I did and largely I understand that it was the best I knew how to do. It wasn't because I was a bad person, it was because I was afraid of being enough.

I am grateful, in some ways, that I was surrounded by enough gas lighting and lack of acceptance of me from others that the level of doubt was enough to kick off a determination for change. I was too sensitive, too emotional, too controlling, too assertive, too soft, too hard, too much. Where I have ended up, is in loving curiosity for myself, and what I now expect from others now, is nothing less.

All of this came up as I explored some differences with a friend the other night. I was not ashamed of my experiences, I was expecting to be heard and seen and I was happy to be vulnerable about my “weirdness” or as they so lovingly put it my uniqueness. This was a rare and beautiful exchange of appreciating differences, not expecting each other to adapt , but just expecting there to be curiosity and kindness for ourselves and toward each other.

Whilst this is a beautiful experience, as I reflect on it, I realised that I made it possible. I made it possible to bare my truth, fear, and do so in a way where I didn’t feel shame, in fact I expected acceptance, and I got it. 

I am making this more and more possible each day, I am bringing this light into my world, and I am doing it by learning to love myself more and more with an abundance of curiosity and kindness for myself. Something now I am being blessed with by others, because I have allowed it. This I thought was worth sharing, and it's worth remembering, that with loving curiosity and kind awareness, that you are never, too…. you.

Much Love

Scotty M

#menshealthweek

Why men are so [ ]

Well if men are looking for pointers on how they can improve or why it is they are not good enough, it's actually really easy to do, just put these four words “Why men are so” into a search box and scroll away. (yes I did the “Why women are so” search and it's not nearly as fruitful.)

Search “Why men are so”  and you will get words like :

[TERRIBLE]

[TOXIC]

[OBSESSED WITH SEX]

[BAD AT FRIENDSHIPS]

[STUBBORN]

[VIOLENT]

[EASY]

[OVER CONFIDENT]

[EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE]

[FRAGILE]

[SIMPLE]

[UNHAPPY]

[LONELY]

If this was an Amazon review, you'd have to wonder why anyone would want to have one of these, let alone scrolling endlessly through dating apps trying to find the right one.

Man hating, Man shaming and Man blaming is on trend, it's really taken off and it seems to be gathering an uncontrollable momentum, but I wonder to what end? I would also question just how broadly this is actually supported.

I was once “partnered” with a chronic man shamer, so this topic is pretty close to home for me personally, which is why I was curious about it. Perhaps I have a view tainted by this experience, but here are a couple of my observations and thoughts on the issue.

Again I would highlight that our society has become accustomed to the loud minorities and I feel certain on reflection that the silent majorities would not agree with or like this.

It would appear that the necessary acknowledgment and rise of women to a position of equality, and yes it's both important and absolutely necessary, has to come at the cost of men, their esteem, and their apparently imperative degradation. 

But when is enough, enough? When will men have adequately paid the price for patriarchy, when will women stop using patriarchy as a way for the generic disdain and shame for men? When will the sexism and overt “beating of men '' be called into question, not only for its validity but for it’s actual purpose.

What is the desired outcome of man shaming ? 

What is it really achieving?

Is it working? is it helping?

When will we stop trying to use segregation as a means of attempting equality?, when the net effect of its overt expression is more likely to make men the enemy whether they choose to be or not. Have we not considered the logic that those men who don't submit to the endless barrage of criticism find themselves in staunch opposition of what is in fact a necessary outcome, equality. Not because they don't believe in it, just because of how it gets voiced.

Must we jump up and down declaring our differences in order to be viewed the same way? I'm not following the logic.

Why has it become culturally normal to see men as pathetic, moronic, entitled, emotionless and some would say immaterial, and how is it that the people saying this still pursue the company of men?

If we look at the stereotypes in mainstream TV, there is a clear message inherent in the characters of the likes of Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, Al Bundy or Frank Costanza that men are not only fundamentally appalling fathers, but they are mindless and entirely selfish at every possible opportunity.

We have seen this from our leaders too, I remember Margaret Thatcher's quote: 

"If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman."

It was clearly important in her mind to destroy men in order to advance the influence of women. I guess she was leading the way, carving a path that many many women have followed. Some might find her quote relatable and yet it cannot be supported by fact or history. 

In her very own nation it was that bumbling alcoholic bloke, Sir Winston Churchill, who saved Britain's arse. Margaret had a short memory perhaps, but it's much more likely she felt, and it could be said, she learned, that attack was the best defence. I would suggest in her generation this was entirely appropriate, but is it still appropriate? Is it effective? Is it working? These are my questions. 

It's commonplace to hear comments like “your father is hopeless/useless/ridiculous” I am fairly certain this doesn't draw upon motivational theory for its methodology. 

The standard social gathering amongst couples will usually see man shaming front and centre. It’s a part of our cultural norm. You’re at a BBQ, and the incessant criticisms kick off:

• “Oh John is a hopeless handyman he can’t fix anything around the house”

• “John never does that” 

• “I couldn’t leave him alone with the kids”

• “He’s always late picking the kids up from school” 

• “Maybe we should just go with two grunts for yes and one for no”

I am imagining that despite John’s cautious and yet necessarily wise silence, he is not drawing positive energy from the experience.

Could you imagine that being flipped around?

• “Jen could burn a bloody fish finger”

• “God you should see her reverse parking”

• “You know what she did the other day”

Does the immediate retaliation from men happen often ? In my experience no, but I am sure that the wisdom of silence isn't universal. In my experience more often than not a man's retort is a shake of the head, an eye roll and a removal from the conversation. 

I am not saying that some men aren't publicly critical of their partners, I am sure some are, but amongst my friends we would sooner suck it up then react. We might have something to say in the car though. Which probably doesn’t come out like: “Why would you hurt my feelings and ridicule me in front of our friends, do you think i deserve that” and is more likely to come out in anger, layered above the obvious hurt something like  “what the fuck was that Jen?”, followed by hours of probable silence.

A top of this is confusion, as an example, many a cry for men to be different, to open up emotionally and be more expressive, and the criticisms that come when they do, such as Men Have No Friends and Women Bear the Burden (the wisdom of Harpers Bazaar). Effectively labelling emotionally expressive men as be EMOTIONAL GOLDDIGGERS, a drain and a burden to  women.

The point here is that it’s not always clear why men are being shamed, is the criteria fixed or fluid. Is the target actually reachable or is this a hopeless endeavour?

If this was a job interview good luck to the candidate in interpreting the position description.

I have heard mothers of sons declare that their son would never be like their father and they were making damn sure of it, but when that boy becomes a man will he agree with Mums views on Men ? and how will that actually turn out for that boy? Will he find himself in opposition to Mum?

I am not sure how we turn this around but I am certain that the first step for change is awareness and I do think we perpetuate a lot of this behaviour as a force of habit. A habit that lacks the consideration of impact nor from my observation any alignment to the objectives of equality.

What do you think ?

Gone…

Losing a friend to suicide is one of the most confronting things I think people can go through. For me this past Friday, it was a friend I’d known over 30 years. He was smack bang in my closest circle of friends, a fellow groomsman to my best mate, who himself right now is struggling to speak. This weekend has been so hard for so many of us.

This is my way of understanding, to write down the emotion and my feelings. I wrote it Saturday morning, it’s raw, the language is colourful but it is most definitely a real account of my feelings. I am hoping that sharing this just might help one person, change a thought, a perspective, an action, an intervention and change a life.

I got the call at 3.11pm

I was at the school gate

Hearing the uncontrollable sobbing

The distress, and the pain of my dear mate

All I could say was NO, fuck NO, and WHY

I buckle over in half

Holding my heart

As the tears poured out of my face

We somehow didn't hear but we were all here to listen

We somehow are left with your abandoned fate

Left here wondering fucking WHY mate

Did you forget how much we all love you?

Did you lose all sight of us?

We told you we were there for you

We knew that you were flat

We knew you were doing it tough

But there’s no fucking way we could contemplate

That you,

You'd have it end like that

We know it gets too much

Holding it all in

Most all of us men do this

And unspoken, unshared and un-held

It seems impossible to get in

Of course, we feel guilt

Even thousands of miles away

I wish I got a chance

To tell you how much we love you

And how much we want you to stay

We all want to remember you

For the stunning man, you are

For the guy who makes us laugh

For your love, and connection

For your passing and beloved smartarse

The bloke who's warmth who's love, beamed across a field

A man we were most convinced

Had a heart of immeasurable scope

And now we are all left wondering

How we could have helped you to cope

For we all feel so empty

We have loved you for so long

There’s a hole in our hearts

Where you used to belong

We wonder if we could have done more

Heard more, known more

We keep thinking about, what it is we didn't see

But it’s over

And there’s no fucking shouting

No turning back from here

No last chance to look at your smiling face

To buy you another fucking beer

It’s a heavy burden,

and it’s killing us, guys we have to fucking talk

To feel so much and say so little, it exhausting

We have to just try and fucking share

We have to have faith, that so many care

We know there’s a point when our alone has us convinced

The self-imposed imprisonment and isolation

We have to jump in front of it

And stop this fucking horrible insurrection

We have to stand for together

And fight against the withdrawal

We have to know at points in time

We can lose sight of how important

We are, and how loved and cherished too

We have to fight a mate slipping inside himself

We have to stay with you

If you feel a mate slipping away

Grab him, and hold him close

Fight him if you must

And hold that space for him

Because once we let him drift away

The outcomes are all too often fucking grim

If your mates lost control

If he feels he's lost the race

If he's sitting deeply in his shame

With that expressionless face

Put your arms around him

And stay as long as you must

Because no one, no fucking mate ever

Should ever so pointlessly turn himself into dust.

We love you Ray.