Why men are so [ ]
Well if men are looking for pointers on how they can improve or why it is they are not good enough, it's actually really easy to do, just put these four words “Why men are so” into a search box and scroll away. (yes I did the “Why women are so” search and it's not nearly as fruitful.)
Search “Why men are so” and you will get words like :
[TERRIBLE]
[TOXIC]
[OBSESSED WITH SEX]
[BAD AT FRIENDSHIPS]
[STUBBORN]
[VIOLENT]
[EASY]
[OVER CONFIDENT]
[EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE]
[FRAGILE]
[SIMPLE]
[UNHAPPY]
[LONELY]
If this was an Amazon review, you'd have to wonder why anyone would want to have one of these, let alone scrolling endlessly through dating apps trying to find the right one.
Man hating, Man shaming and Man blaming is on trend, it's really taken off and it seems to be gathering an uncontrollable momentum, but I wonder to what end? I would also question just how broadly this is actually supported.
I was once “partnered” with a chronic man shamer, so this topic is pretty close to home for me personally, which is why I was curious about it. Perhaps I have a view tainted by this experience, but here are a couple of my observations and thoughts on the issue.
Again I would highlight that our society has become accustomed to the loud minorities and I feel certain on reflection that the silent majorities would not agree with or like this.
It would appear that the necessary acknowledgment and rise of women to a position of equality, and yes it's both important and absolutely necessary, has to come at the cost of men, their esteem, and their apparently imperative degradation.
But when is enough, enough? When will men have adequately paid the price for patriarchy, when will women stop using patriarchy as a way for the generic disdain and shame for men? When will the sexism and overt “beating of men '' be called into question, not only for its validity but for it’s actual purpose.
What is the desired outcome of man shaming ?
What is it really achieving?
Is it working? is it helping?
When will we stop trying to use segregation as a means of attempting equality?, when the net effect of its overt expression is more likely to make men the enemy whether they choose to be or not. Have we not considered the logic that those men who don't submit to the endless barrage of criticism find themselves in staunch opposition of what is in fact a necessary outcome, equality. Not because they don't believe in it, just because of how it gets voiced.
Must we jump up and down declaring our differences in order to be viewed the same way? I'm not following the logic.
Why has it become culturally normal to see men as pathetic, moronic, entitled, emotionless and some would say immaterial, and how is it that the people saying this still pursue the company of men?
If we look at the stereotypes in mainstream TV, there is a clear message inherent in the characters of the likes of Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, Al Bundy or Frank Costanza that men are not only fundamentally appalling fathers, but they are mindless and entirely selfish at every possible opportunity.
We have seen this from our leaders too, I remember Margaret Thatcher's quote:
"If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman."
It was clearly important in her mind to destroy men in order to advance the influence of women. I guess she was leading the way, carving a path that many many women have followed. Some might find her quote relatable and yet it cannot be supported by fact or history.
In her very own nation it was that bumbling alcoholic bloke, Sir Winston Churchill, who saved Britain's arse. Margaret had a short memory perhaps, but it's much more likely she felt, and it could be said, she learned, that attack was the best defence. I would suggest in her generation this was entirely appropriate, but is it still appropriate? Is it effective? Is it working? These are my questions.
It's commonplace to hear comments like “your father is hopeless/useless/ridiculous” I am fairly certain this doesn't draw upon motivational theory for its methodology.
The standard social gathering amongst couples will usually see man shaming front and centre. It’s a part of our cultural norm. You’re at a BBQ, and the incessant criticisms kick off:
“Oh John is a hopeless handyman he can’t fix anything around the house”
“John never does that”
“I couldn’t leave him alone with the kids”
“He’s always late picking the kids up from school”
“Maybe we should just go with two grunts for yes and one for no”
I am imagining that despite John’s cautious and yet necessarily wise silence, he is not drawing positive energy from the experience.
Could you imagine that being flipped around?
“Jen could burn a bloody fish finger”
“God you should see her reverse parking”
“You know what she did the other day”
Does the immediate retaliation from men happen often ? In my experience no, but I am sure that the wisdom of silence isn't universal. In my experience more often than not a man's retort is a shake of the head, an eye roll and a removal from the conversation.
I am not saying that some men aren't publicly critical of their partners, I am sure some are, but amongst my friends we would sooner suck it up then react. We might have something to say in the car though. Which probably doesn’t come out like: “Why would you hurt my feelings and ridicule me in front of our friends, do you think i deserve that” and is more likely to come out in anger, layered above the obvious hurt something like “what the fuck was that Jen?”, followed by hours of probable silence.
A top of this is confusion, as an example, many a cry for men to be different, to open up emotionally and be more expressive, and the criticisms that come when they do, such as Men Have No Friends and Women Bear the Burden (the wisdom of Harpers Bazaar). Effectively labelling emotionally expressive men as be EMOTIONAL GOLDDIGGERS, a drain and a burden to women.
The point here is that it’s not always clear why men are being shamed, is the criteria fixed or fluid. Is the target actually reachable or is this a hopeless endeavour?
If this was a job interview good luck to the candidate in interpreting the position description.
I have heard mothers of sons declare that their son would never be like their father and they were making damn sure of it, but when that boy becomes a man will he agree with Mums views on Men ? and how will that actually turn out for that boy? Will he find himself in opposition to Mum?
I am not sure how we turn this around but I am certain that the first step for change is awareness and I do think we perpetuate a lot of this behaviour as a force of habit. A habit that lacks the consideration of impact nor from my observation any alignment to the objectives of equality.
What do you think ?
