Why men don’t talk and how I am part of the problem

My original intention for this week was to talk about the struggle for men to talk about how they are feeling. We all know that boys raised before today have not been encouraged to open up, lack the skills and experience to express their true emotions, vulnerabilities, insecurities and fears. I feel I don't need to cover this. I also think this is decreasingly a men only issue.

As someone who is often praised for being vulnerable and brave by simply just sharing stories like this. I want to share what actually happened for me this week to explore the conditioning we, both men and women, are challenged by. I want to share how I am in fact part of the problem, so that maybe I can be part of the solution. 

It's perfectly normal to grieve loss, it's perfectly normal to feel sadness, but what isn't acceptable is to lose 3kg in 4 days, isolate, reject all but a few attempts to connect and focus my energy on the suffering of others, whilst not actually dealing with my own.

It's not normal to not eat, sparingly speak and not ask for help.

Oh how very manly and stoic, how incredibly unhealthy and potentially dangerous. This past week, I believe my focus on others was definitely empathetic but was also a means to avoid focussing on myself, my feelings and my triggers. Herein lies the problem, herein lies the unhealthy conditioning, of not only not sharing how we feel but avoiding it by masking it in bravery, or courage or care for others. Why, because we have somehow invalidated our own feelings, often with shame.

The events of the previous fortnight had a deeply personal impact on me, not just losing a long term friend, although that is no small deal, nor seeing and feeling the uncontained grief of people I love. For me, well, the feeling I was feeling, well that felt selfish, unwarranted and I felt sure unwanted in the context of exactly what had happened and the people it has so closely impacted.

I managed to walk more than 60km in 4 days (rather repetitive in a 5km radius), to clear my head, and attempt to sweat out the tears. Thankfully my gym was closed, I am certain that I would have done myself an injury, as I tried to push out this emotion as if to exorcise it with exhaustive strain and effort. I wanted the feeling out of me and I felt unable to show myself the empathy or care I actually needed. 

This lack of self love, this lack of self care, and this desire to “walk it off” was indeed not a pathway to recovery or to addressing the core of my feelings. (big shout out to Melonie Taylor for my slap upside the head on managing my parasympathetic nervous system)

I didn’t want people to tell me they were worried about me, I was fucking worried about me. Sympathy doesn’t help, it doesn’t serve us and most of all, for fuck sake don’t add yourself to my reasons not to focus on me. Sure, tell me you’re worried about me and watch me pacify you, reassure you and manage you, to calm you down and get you off my fucking phone. 

“Empathy heals shame; sympathy exacerbates shame. We don't want people to feel sorry for us; we want people to be with us.”

― Brené Brown, Men, Women, and Worthiness: The Experience of Shame and the Power of Being Enough

I didn't want to reach out to my mates who would be only able to relate to the surface level happenings of my heart with doses of “yeah that sucks mate”, “chin up bud” or some other misguided and unhelpful bullshit, so I didn't reply. Why would they be unhelpful? Because I wouldn't actually allow them to know what was really happening for me.

I didn't want to share the shame that I felt for my own level of connection with what had transpired, I didn't want to be selfish, nor did I want to feel ashamed and yet my own little magical mystery tour of the mind was an incredibly painful re-lived experience. A mental regression I never thought truly possible. A time-travel of trauma and unhealed exhaustion of my consistent choices for alone and isolation when I am so knowingly aware of the potential damage of this pattern.

I am lucky on two counts. At a particular point in time, I was broken enough to ask a neighbour to come and sit with me. I don't even know what we said, I just couldn't sit in any more isolation and for my own grounding I needed someone there.

The second count is that I am blessed to have a friend that knows all of my journey, knew exactly what was going on for me and so lovingly continued to check in and allow me to connect with my actual feelings. (I love you Suz, thanks)

The week was a perfect storm. Lockdown, my daughter away, me alone and far from friends who were hurting as I watched the live streaming of a friends funeral, alone in my backyard. I took the opportunity to retract and withdraw into myself, with my shame, the shame of what felt like a selfish connection. One which I believed no one would understand, that wouldn’t be welcomed or much less understood.

I am an expressive person, someone who talks openly about my feelings and emotions, but when shame came knocking and I assumed that people could not connect with, nor have empathy for my own challenges, I shut down.

So why did I feel it so important to share this? I am not saying that shame is everyone's reason for withdrawing, isolating, but I have a hunch it plays a big role, and shame I believe is the silencer for our broken and trapped hearts.

We are supposed to address shame with empathy, but if we can't have it for ourselves nor if we believe it's possible from others, we are alone. We mustn't be alone, and we must find an empathy for ourselves beyond the conditioning of us feeling that our emotions must be situationally valid for others, for all that matters is how we actually feel.

Our feelings must be held with loving care, beyond shame and with enormous doses of empathy, for when shame gets in the way of expression, it shuts out all possibility for care, for light, for love. Something we all must be so very aware of.

I spoke about shame and shaming last week, and in 2021 many people are likely to feel or experience shame, even though their lives are impacted by circumstances well beyond their control. Should people feel shame when they have not erred? Should we allow shame to be the dominant narrative of this pandemic? or can we all agree it's the essence and the fuel of unhealthy isolation and the opposing force of necessary empathy and connection.

Right now vulnerability is everywhere, in industry, in households and in us individually, we must learn the difference between sympathy and empathy, how to show up for ourselves and others and to never get stuck with, or allow others to be left with shame.

Much love,

Scott

Why men are so [ ]

Well if men are looking for pointers on how they can improve or why it is they are not good enough, it's actually really easy to do, just put these four words “Why men are so” into a search box and scroll away. (yes I did the “Why women are so” search and it's not nearly as fruitful.)

Search “Why men are so”  and you will get words like :

[TERRIBLE]

[TOXIC]

[OBSESSED WITH SEX]

[BAD AT FRIENDSHIPS]

[STUBBORN]

[VIOLENT]

[EASY]

[OVER CONFIDENT]

[EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE]

[FRAGILE]

[SIMPLE]

[UNHAPPY]

[LONELY]

If this was an Amazon review, you'd have to wonder why anyone would want to have one of these, let alone scrolling endlessly through dating apps trying to find the right one.

Man hating, Man shaming and Man blaming is on trend, it's really taken off and it seems to be gathering an uncontrollable momentum, but I wonder to what end? I would also question just how broadly this is actually supported.

I was once “partnered” with a chronic man shamer, so this topic is pretty close to home for me personally, which is why I was curious about it. Perhaps I have a view tainted by this experience, but here are a couple of my observations and thoughts on the issue.

Again I would highlight that our society has become accustomed to the loud minorities and I feel certain on reflection that the silent majorities would not agree with or like this.

It would appear that the necessary acknowledgment and rise of women to a position of equality, and yes it's both important and absolutely necessary, has to come at the cost of men, their esteem, and their apparently imperative degradation. 

But when is enough, enough? When will men have adequately paid the price for patriarchy, when will women stop using patriarchy as a way for the generic disdain and shame for men? When will the sexism and overt “beating of men '' be called into question, not only for its validity but for it’s actual purpose.

What is the desired outcome of man shaming ? 

What is it really achieving?

Is it working? is it helping?

When will we stop trying to use segregation as a means of attempting equality?, when the net effect of its overt expression is more likely to make men the enemy whether they choose to be or not. Have we not considered the logic that those men who don't submit to the endless barrage of criticism find themselves in staunch opposition of what is in fact a necessary outcome, equality. Not because they don't believe in it, just because of how it gets voiced.

Must we jump up and down declaring our differences in order to be viewed the same way? I'm not following the logic.

Why has it become culturally normal to see men as pathetic, moronic, entitled, emotionless and some would say immaterial, and how is it that the people saying this still pursue the company of men?

If we look at the stereotypes in mainstream TV, there is a clear message inherent in the characters of the likes of Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, Al Bundy or Frank Costanza that men are not only fundamentally appalling fathers, but they are mindless and entirely selfish at every possible opportunity.

We have seen this from our leaders too, I remember Margaret Thatcher's quote: 

"If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman."

It was clearly important in her mind to destroy men in order to advance the influence of women. I guess she was leading the way, carving a path that many many women have followed. Some might find her quote relatable and yet it cannot be supported by fact or history. 

In her very own nation it was that bumbling alcoholic bloke, Sir Winston Churchill, who saved Britain's arse. Margaret had a short memory perhaps, but it's much more likely she felt, and it could be said, she learned, that attack was the best defence. I would suggest in her generation this was entirely appropriate, but is it still appropriate? Is it effective? Is it working? These are my questions. 

It's commonplace to hear comments like “your father is hopeless/useless/ridiculous” I am fairly certain this doesn't draw upon motivational theory for its methodology. 

The standard social gathering amongst couples will usually see man shaming front and centre. It’s a part of our cultural norm. You’re at a BBQ, and the incessant criticisms kick off:

• “Oh John is a hopeless handyman he can’t fix anything around the house”

• “John never does that” 

• “I couldn’t leave him alone with the kids”

• “He’s always late picking the kids up from school” 

• “Maybe we should just go with two grunts for yes and one for no”

I am imagining that despite John’s cautious and yet necessarily wise silence, he is not drawing positive energy from the experience.

Could you imagine that being flipped around?

• “Jen could burn a bloody fish finger”

• “God you should see her reverse parking”

• “You know what she did the other day”

Does the immediate retaliation from men happen often ? In my experience no, but I am sure that the wisdom of silence isn't universal. In my experience more often than not a man's retort is a shake of the head, an eye roll and a removal from the conversation. 

I am not saying that some men aren't publicly critical of their partners, I am sure some are, but amongst my friends we would sooner suck it up then react. We might have something to say in the car though. Which probably doesn’t come out like: “Why would you hurt my feelings and ridicule me in front of our friends, do you think i deserve that” and is more likely to come out in anger, layered above the obvious hurt something like  “what the fuck was that Jen?”, followed by hours of probable silence.

A top of this is confusion, as an example, many a cry for men to be different, to open up emotionally and be more expressive, and the criticisms that come when they do, such as Men Have No Friends and Women Bear the Burden (the wisdom of Harpers Bazaar). Effectively labelling emotionally expressive men as be EMOTIONAL GOLDDIGGERS, a drain and a burden to  women.

The point here is that it’s not always clear why men are being shamed, is the criteria fixed or fluid. Is the target actually reachable or is this a hopeless endeavour?

If this was a job interview good luck to the candidate in interpreting the position description.

I have heard mothers of sons declare that their son would never be like their father and they were making damn sure of it, but when that boy becomes a man will he agree with Mums views on Men ? and how will that actually turn out for that boy? Will he find himself in opposition to Mum?

I am not sure how we turn this around but I am certain that the first step for change is awareness and I do think we perpetuate a lot of this behaviour as a force of habit. A habit that lacks the consideration of impact nor from my observation any alignment to the objectives of equality.

What do you think ?

Gone…

Losing a friend to suicide is one of the most confronting things I think people can go through. For me this past Friday, it was a friend I’d known over 30 years. He was smack bang in my closest circle of friends, a fellow groomsman to my best mate, who himself right now is struggling to speak. This weekend has been so hard for so many of us.

This is my way of understanding, to write down the emotion and my feelings. I wrote it Saturday morning, it’s raw, the language is colourful but it is most definitely a real account of my feelings. I am hoping that sharing this just might help one person, change a thought, a perspective, an action, an intervention and change a life.

I got the call at 3.11pm

I was at the school gate

Hearing the uncontrollable sobbing

The distress, and the pain of my dear mate

All I could say was NO, fuck NO, and WHY

I buckle over in half

Holding my heart

As the tears poured out of my face

We somehow didn't hear but we were all here to listen

We somehow are left with your abandoned fate

Left here wondering fucking WHY mate

Did you forget how much we all love you?

Did you lose all sight of us?

We told you we were there for you

We knew that you were flat

We knew you were doing it tough

But there’s no fucking way we could contemplate

That you,

You'd have it end like that

We know it gets too much

Holding it all in

Most all of us men do this

And unspoken, unshared and un-held

It seems impossible to get in

Of course, we feel guilt

Even thousands of miles away

I wish I got a chance

To tell you how much we love you

And how much we want you to stay

We all want to remember you

For the stunning man, you are

For the guy who makes us laugh

For your love, and connection

For your passing and beloved smartarse

The bloke who's warmth who's love, beamed across a field

A man we were most convinced

Had a heart of immeasurable scope

And now we are all left wondering

How we could have helped you to cope

For we all feel so empty

We have loved you for so long

There’s a hole in our hearts

Where you used to belong

We wonder if we could have done more

Heard more, known more

We keep thinking about, what it is we didn't see

But it’s over

And there’s no fucking shouting

No turning back from here

No last chance to look at your smiling face

To buy you another fucking beer

It’s a heavy burden,

and it’s killing us, guys we have to fucking talk

To feel so much and say so little, it exhausting

We have to just try and fucking share

We have to have faith, that so many care

We know there’s a point when our alone has us convinced

The self-imposed imprisonment and isolation

We have to jump in front of it

And stop this fucking horrible insurrection

We have to stand for together

And fight against the withdrawal

We have to know at points in time

We can lose sight of how important

We are, and how loved and cherished too

We have to fight a mate slipping inside himself

We have to stay with you

If you feel a mate slipping away

Grab him, and hold him close

Fight him if you must

And hold that space for him

Because once we let him drift away

The outcomes are all too often fucking grim

If your mates lost control

If he feels he's lost the race

If he's sitting deeply in his shame

With that expressionless face

Put your arms around him

And stay as long as you must

Because no one, no fucking mate ever

Should ever so pointlessly turn himself into dust.

We love you Ray.

Silent Nights; alone at Christmas

Christmas is a time for spending time with loved ones but for an increasing number of us it's a time where being alone gets seriously loud.

It's Christmas Eve, and I wanted to remind you all that if you are alone, you need not be. If you are with family, spare a thought for the many people that may be alone this Christmas, and make an effort to make a difference to just one person.

For me personally, as a single father, I have an unfortunate arrangement with my daughter’s mother, that we alternate Christmas Days with our daughter. This, of course, is ok when we don’t take our daughter away as when on an off-year we would at least get a couple of hours that day with our girl. When this doesn't happen though, Christmas with my daughter is reduced to a fleeting video call and that's it.

I dread those years, without my daughter. My direct family lives some 1,800 kilometres away and even if I go there on an off-year, being without my daughter at Christmas is extremely painful.

I grew up in a family where Christmas was a big deal, my grandparents would throw elaborate parties for Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve and Christmas Day was always spent with the extended family, every year, we were all together, without fail.

Against that backdrop, a Christmas alone is potentially more harrowing for me. Sitting alone, contemplating life, and my aloneness, thumbing through social media posts, hoping to hear from friends who are rightly occupied with their families.

It's like a huge pit in your stomach, waiting for the day to pass, the shops to reopen, your friends to be available again and for the whole damn thing to be over with as fast as possible. For me personally, I have experienced having negative feelings toward myself as if being alone at Christmas means something about who I am and my value in the world. Crazy thoughts like this only really come up because being alone on a day when it feels like almost everyone is together, can make you feel different, at odds and isolated from the world.

This is where shit can get real, and real ugly for people who are alone on Christmas Day.

This time of year is significantly troubling from a mental health perspective.

Loneliness is something I know, often because it was a choice I made, to isolate myself away from people and things. This was a significant issue for me 7 years ago and the result was a very unhealthy state of mind.

The fact is the world over 23-30% of all households globally are single dwelling households, with only one human present.(in Australia that number is 25%). Atop of this up to a quarter of children live with a single parent, only some of who share the festive season, either alternately or in part with their ex-spouse, leaving them alone and/or without their own children at least for part of not all of the festive season. The very time you most want to be with your kids.

This year my daughter and I are alone together in Melbourne, something that was mostly circumstantial. My daughter was super upset about not seeing the extended family this year and of course, worrying that her mum will be ok and not alone. 

Thanks to the advice of a beautiful friend I inspired my daughter to work with me on establishing our very own Christmas traditions, and now the home whiteboard is awash with our menu, games and gifting routines. Atop of this, of course, is my now demanded annual Christmas Riddle routine (last year's inset, a tradition I share as my daughter loves it so much). 

It doesn't take much to get my daughter to swing into action and I can assure any of you who will work for her in the future (and I reckon some of you might), she is a laser focussed leader who is as thoughtful and compassionate as she is demanding. (this might be useful to remember for your future interviews)

Now, we have a big couple of days planned of baking and roasting and games and silliness, it will be a blast. She will also hang out with her Mum for a few hours on Christmas Day, so she is happy and we will have a ball this year.

Loneliness is increasingly known as the silent killer in our society and I write this today for one reason only:

If you know anyone who lives alone or is a single parent who may not be seeing their children this year, please make contact with them and check in on what they are up to.

Call them, invite them over, let them know you are thinking about them. Make the time to make someone else feel connected. Help make sure they do not feel alone and isolated. Share that spirit of Christmas with some purpose, empathy and action.

There are way too many, having way too many silent nights these next few days, please be thoughtful and give the gift of your presence. A simple gesture may make a huge difference for someone, please be that difference.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Much love,

Scott

Man-erability - how men should be allowed to be vulnerable

As usual this is just an opinion piece, and I welcome and encourage your views.

I was on a date recently and a woman said to me “I need to know my man has balls”. Whilst this is not a startling viewpoint, nor was it a complaint about me, I of course couldn't help but think to myself how uncanny this was, as I would solidly prefer that “my woman didn't have balls”.

These kinds of statements or signals continue to reinforce a view of what or who man must be. They continue to reiterate the need for man's steely resolve, his need to be the warrior, his need to be a fierce protector and most of all his need to be brave.

But is the common man brave enough to be himself? Is he allowed to be? Does he believe he is allowed to be? And what does bravery really look like?

Being Brave according to Brene Brown, the go to author on Vulnerability, is simply about showing up and being unashamedly our authentic selves. It is about hard conversations, setting boundaries, asking for what we want, being courageous in our expressions, owning our imperfections, asking for help, talking openly about our feelings and emotions.

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”
Brene Brown

So is Man brave? Is he allowed to be? Do we want him to be? When he is in fact brave, will we see him as weak, overly emotional, or heaven forbid “without balls”.

It is way past time that we as a society reach into the root causes of “Man's lostness”, a topic I spoke about last week.

It is way past time that every single one of us in society got super honest about our expectations and the extent to which they reasonably enable men to be pure expressions of themselves.

As I mentioned last week, I am largely a product of a therapy-athon, being called on my bullshit, having my ego and my misguided expressions of alpha questioned on a fortnightly basis. This is a gift I have chosen for myself, but that is because 7 years ago I reached a point of no return, it was either to opt out or fundamentally change who I was in the world.

I don't want men to get to that breaking point, because the stats don't lie and we don't always choose ourselves. 

Make no mistake this is difficult work and we cannot require all men to do what I have done, for the very simple reason that we want sweeping change for the mental health of men, and we want it now. 

The answer IS NOT for men to suddenly and collectively embark on regular therapy. It’s not something I would discourage, but to require it, is to admit defeat in the happiness and sanity of our men.

In order for this to occur, it must be allowed, by both Men and Women. 

For you blokes out there it means:

1. Asking your mates for truth, how they really feel.

2. Making them feel safe in that by sharing your own truth -  it may not land at least the first time, but you’ll be pleasantly surprised how welcome these discussions are. I always am.

3. Sitting in the discomfort of the spoken truth of your friends without judgement.

4. Sitting in the discomfort of trying not to solve those problems but just ensuring your Mate is heard.

5. Sitting in the discomfort of the judgement that may come your way (I will explain)

6. Encouraging your mates to say more 

7. Letting them know that you and your listening are there whenever and however they need it

Men need to talk, and you blokes are on the hook to allow it. Just to reiterate, it won't be comfortable. It won't feel normal for a while, but we all need to talk so very badly and we must as Men support each other in this very foreign practice.

Now for my explanation. I lead a lot of these discussions amongst my mates, and it comes at a cost, but a price I am willing to pay. When I am open and vulnerable with my mates, I am trying to lead them to be the same way with me, but it doesn't always land. 

A lot of my mates, particularly those that have not stuck close through this last 7 years give me the vibe that all of this expression is surely a byproduct of a middle aged melt down. For the blokes that are in my circle regularly it takes them a while to figure out that I am not crazy, I am just passionate about us not dying trying to be something, or killing ourselves when we no longer want to try.

For you Women (and Men) out there who are partnered with Men. It's time to make a call, and here are some truths.

If you say you want a man who can express his emotions then be prepared for a man that can admit his flaws, show “weakness”, be frightened, be outspoken about his needs, and awkward in these expressions, at least for a while.

He will not show up and be an eloquent expert in discussing matters of the heart. He will be awkward, nervous, tentative and clumsy and all of it needs to be allowed, so that he can get used to bravely sitting in himself and speaking his truth. It all needs to be allowed. 

It's time to question your judgements. For the record I have been accused of being “too emotional” in a former relationship, against what measure I am still unsure.

Encourage him to try, and keep trying, but dont push, let your man find his feet and when he does remember that this man is the man you wished for, and yet this man will be unfamiliar to you and something you will have to learn anew to be with.

To wrap up, I know that these truths as I call them above do not apply to all, but simply to many. As always, I would love to hear your thoughts on this and your experiences with Men and Women in their journey to be heard and to soften the fuck up. #softenthefckup

Much love,

Scott