Man-erability - how men should be allowed to be vulnerable
As usual this is just an opinion piece, and I welcome and encourage your views.
I was on a date recently and a woman said to me “I need to know my man has balls”. Whilst this is not a startling viewpoint, nor was it a complaint about me, I of course couldn't help but think to myself how uncanny this was, as I would solidly prefer that “my woman didn't have balls”.
These kinds of statements or signals continue to reinforce a view of what or who man must be. They continue to reiterate the need for man's steely resolve, his need to be the warrior, his need to be a fierce protector and most of all his need to be brave.
But is the common man brave enough to be himself? Is he allowed to be? Does he believe he is allowed to be? And what does bravery really look like?
Being Brave according to Brene Brown, the go to author on Vulnerability, is simply about showing up and being unashamedly our authentic selves. It is about hard conversations, setting boundaries, asking for what we want, being courageous in our expressions, owning our imperfections, asking for help, talking openly about our feelings and emotions.
“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”
Brene Brown
So is Man brave? Is he allowed to be? Do we want him to be? When he is in fact brave, will we see him as weak, overly emotional, or heaven forbid “without balls”.
It is way past time that we as a society reach into the root causes of “Man's lostness”, a topic I spoke about last week.
It is way past time that every single one of us in society got super honest about our expectations and the extent to which they reasonably enable men to be pure expressions of themselves.
As I mentioned last week, I am largely a product of a therapy-athon, being called on my bullshit, having my ego and my misguided expressions of alpha questioned on a fortnightly basis. This is a gift I have chosen for myself, but that is because 7 years ago I reached a point of no return, it was either to opt out or fundamentally change who I was in the world.
I don't want men to get to that breaking point, because the stats don't lie and we don't always choose ourselves.
Make no mistake this is difficult work and we cannot require all men to do what I have done, for the very simple reason that we want sweeping change for the mental health of men, and we want it now.
The answer IS NOT for men to suddenly and collectively embark on regular therapy. It’s not something I would discourage, but to require it, is to admit defeat in the happiness and sanity of our men.
In order for this to occur, it must be allowed, by both Men and Women.
For you blokes out there it means:
Asking your mates for truth, how they really feel.
Making them feel safe in that by sharing your own truth - it may not land at least the first time, but you’ll be pleasantly surprised how welcome these discussions are. I always am.
Sitting in the discomfort of the spoken truth of your friends without judgement.
Sitting in the discomfort of trying not to solve those problems but just ensuring your Mate is heard.
Sitting in the discomfort of the judgement that may come your way (I will explain)
Encouraging your mates to say more
Letting them know that you and your listening are there whenever and however they need it
Men need to talk, and you blokes are on the hook to allow it. Just to reiterate, it won't be comfortable. It won't feel normal for a while, but we all need to talk so very badly and we must as Men support each other in this very foreign practice.
Now for my explanation. I lead a lot of these discussions amongst my mates, and it comes at a cost, but a price I am willing to pay. When I am open and vulnerable with my mates, I am trying to lead them to be the same way with me, but it doesn't always land.
A lot of my mates, particularly those that have not stuck close through this last 7 years give me the vibe that all of this expression is surely a byproduct of a middle aged melt down. For the blokes that are in my circle regularly it takes them a while to figure out that I am not crazy, I am just passionate about us not dying trying to be something, or killing ourselves when we no longer want to try.
For you Women (and Men) out there who are partnered with Men. It's time to make a call, and here are some truths.
If you say you want a man who can express his emotions then be prepared for a man that can admit his flaws, show “weakness”, be frightened, be outspoken about his needs, and awkward in these expressions, at least for a while.
He will not show up and be an eloquent expert in discussing matters of the heart. He will be awkward, nervous, tentative and clumsy and all of it needs to be allowed, so that he can get used to bravely sitting in himself and speaking his truth. It all needs to be allowed.
It's time to question your judgements. For the record I have been accused of being “too emotional” in a former relationship, against what measure I am still unsure.
Encourage him to try, and keep trying, but dont push, let your man find his feet and when he does remember that this man is the man you wished for, and yet this man will be unfamiliar to you and something you will have to learn anew to be with.
To wrap up, I know that these truths as I call them above do not apply to all, but simply to many. As always, I would love to hear your thoughts on this and your experiences with Men and Women in their journey to be heard and to soften the fuck up. #softenthefckup
Much love,
Scott
