Silent Nights; alone at Christmas

Christmas is a time for spending time with loved ones but for an increasing number of us it's a time where being alone gets seriously loud.

It's Christmas Eve, and I wanted to remind you all that if you are alone, you need not be. If you are with family, spare a thought for the many people that may be alone this Christmas, and make an effort to make a difference to just one person.

For me personally, as a single father, I have an unfortunate arrangement with my daughter’s mother, that we alternate Christmas Days with our daughter. This, of course, is ok when we don’t take our daughter away as when on an off-year we would at least get a couple of hours that day with our girl. When this doesn't happen though, Christmas with my daughter is reduced to a fleeting video call and that's it.

I dread those years, without my daughter. My direct family lives some 1,800 kilometres away and even if I go there on an off-year, being without my daughter at Christmas is extremely painful.

I grew up in a family where Christmas was a big deal, my grandparents would throw elaborate parties for Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve and Christmas Day was always spent with the extended family, every year, we were all together, without fail.

Against that backdrop, a Christmas alone is potentially more harrowing for me. Sitting alone, contemplating life, and my aloneness, thumbing through social media posts, hoping to hear from friends who are rightly occupied with their families.

It's like a huge pit in your stomach, waiting for the day to pass, the shops to reopen, your friends to be available again and for the whole damn thing to be over with as fast as possible. For me personally, I have experienced having negative feelings toward myself as if being alone at Christmas means something about who I am and my value in the world. Crazy thoughts like this only really come up because being alone on a day when it feels like almost everyone is together, can make you feel different, at odds and isolated from the world.

This is where shit can get real, and real ugly for people who are alone on Christmas Day.

This time of year is significantly troubling from a mental health perspective.

Loneliness is something I know, often because it was a choice I made, to isolate myself away from people and things. This was a significant issue for me 7 years ago and the result was a very unhealthy state of mind.

The fact is the world over 23-30% of all households globally are single dwelling households, with only one human present.(in Australia that number is 25%). Atop of this up to a quarter of children live with a single parent, only some of who share the festive season, either alternately or in part with their ex-spouse, leaving them alone and/or without their own children at least for part of not all of the festive season. The very time you most want to be with your kids.

This year my daughter and I are alone together in Melbourne, something that was mostly circumstantial. My daughter was super upset about not seeing the extended family this year and of course, worrying that her mum will be ok and not alone. 

Thanks to the advice of a beautiful friend I inspired my daughter to work with me on establishing our very own Christmas traditions, and now the home whiteboard is awash with our menu, games and gifting routines. Atop of this, of course, is my now demanded annual Christmas Riddle routine (last year's inset, a tradition I share as my daughter loves it so much). 

It doesn't take much to get my daughter to swing into action and I can assure any of you who will work for her in the future (and I reckon some of you might), she is a laser focussed leader who is as thoughtful and compassionate as she is demanding. (this might be useful to remember for your future interviews)

Now, we have a big couple of days planned of baking and roasting and games and silliness, it will be a blast. She will also hang out with her Mum for a few hours on Christmas Day, so she is happy and we will have a ball this year.

Loneliness is increasingly known as the silent killer in our society and I write this today for one reason only:

If you know anyone who lives alone or is a single parent who may not be seeing their children this year, please make contact with them and check in on what they are up to.

Call them, invite them over, let them know you are thinking about them. Make the time to make someone else feel connected. Help make sure they do not feel alone and isolated. Share that spirit of Christmas with some purpose, empathy and action.

There are way too many, having way too many silent nights these next few days, please be thoughtful and give the gift of your presence. A simple gesture may make a huge difference for someone, please be that difference.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Much love,

Scott